Well, I write not that anyone reads, but just to make myself feel better. Somehow, it seems to take the edge off.
I'm here, finally out of the GA and settled in Texas. I can point back to every day that i wished i was gone already, just so eager to start a new life and explore all of the stages that a mid twenties man's life offers. The particular stage i find myself in now, Second-Guessing. Interesting how hindsight can be such a goddamn bitch. It's a petulant little child; nagging, bragging, and never letting up. I'm 1000 miles from any kind of family, and i cant even afford to come home in the foreseeable future. Funny how that works. You move away only to become stuck where you came for freedom. "Such a goddamn bitch." Ya know who i seem to miss the most? My freakin dog. If i only had my dog i think i could take this harsh reality, the persistant lonliness i seem to find most nights.
To be totally honest, it hasnt all been a waste. I've learned quite a few valuable things in these last 3 weeks. Number one, i now know that life is one hell of a freight train that aint goona slow down just becuase youre standing on the tracks too afraid to board. Life moves and it moves fast. Nothing is totally certain unless you can tell the future, and things are in constant shift. You love someone for 11 years and then suddenly its been months since theres been any kind of communication. You think youre making the right choice walking out on a limb, but when you doubt yourself and want life to give you more time to figure it all out, it just runs you the hell over. Nothing good lasts forever, but it is up to you to make good of where you are. That seems to be where i find myself now. trying to make good of all of this change.
Trace Adkins song, "You're Gonna Miss This," plays in my mind quite often. I feel like it should make me all emotional and sentimental, but really it gives me hope that this is truly just temporary. Who says that one day i wont be talking to my son on the phone late one night after he has just moved a thousand miles away from home... But right now, im here, not there.
I miss my family. Man do i miss them. We grew so close in those last few weeks. Something we couldnt quite get right over the years, we managed to do in the last few goddamn weeks i was fucking with them. Now, i'm gone and all i want is to have them here with me. What i wouldnt do to have dinner with my mom, or go to a braves game with my dad and brother. Or take my dog to the park again. Ive got pictures, Ive got videos...... but that only seems to make it worse
How do you stand in the face of adversity? How do you pick yourself up when you dont even know where to start? Ive always had someone there to help pick me back up, which has become quite the crutch. Now its time to do this shit myself.
